Things that go bump in the night
by RenjiLuvah
Summary: They say the mind plays tricks on you in the dark. Tae Shimura is working the late shift, and with news of a criminal on the loose, the Queen of Kabuki is mildly spooked, even with no gorillas in sight. [KonTae Oneshot] Rated for Language.


It was just another night in Edo for Tae Shimura, also known as the Queen of the Kabuki District and in demand hostess for the Snack Smile. There was a new flavor of Bargain Dash waiting for her in the freezer when her shift was over, business was booming as usual, and she'd already had her run in with the Gorilla before she sent him packing with an graceful foot up his ass.

There was nothing out of the ordinary thus far, and with a growing _Yato_ glutton, a lazy JUMP reading war veteran, and a confused love smitten heiress to the Yagyuu family within her usual company, very little fazed the brunette.

In fact, she was feeling grateful that the _Shinsengumi_ Commander had been less persistent as of late. His absence made her trek to work more of a pleasure without having to resort to calling Smiling Animal Killers whom she had on speed dial. By now, they knew her by name and thoroughly insisted every time that Kondo Isao was a proper human citizen of Edo in spite of his appearance, not a primate on the loose.

The night was good.

The woman was indulging in the warm buzz from a serving of _sake_, eyeing the clock and eager that her shift would end at midnight when her ears perked up to some gossip in the booth behind her.

"Did you hear about that criminal they're trying to catch?"

"Yeah," another hostess answered in a harsh whisper, "I hear some guy is stalking women at night-"

"Hah, sounds like the gorilla," Otae thought to herself before shaking her head and changing her mind.

_No, actually, only woman he stalks is me, so I guess he's not the culprit._

"He's already assaulted three women within the past month, the police have been on the lookout for the bastard."

"Oh? Guess that's why I haven't had to call animal control as of late," she mumbled to herself when her two co-workers noticed her.

"Otae-chan," Hanako turned to her, "I heard you changed your shift to an hour later. Will you be okay?"

"Hmm?"

"I mean the criminal they're trying to catch - they're saying that women should be on their guard at night, especially those who work late. I'm having a friend pick me up and Oryou-chan says her boyfriend will be waiting for her when her shift is over."

Otae blinked at her friend for a moment before sheepishly covering a haughty smile with her fingertips.

"Oh, don't worry, I'll be fine by myself," she assured her.

"Are you sure? Maybe you should get that _Shinsengumi_ guy who's always visiting you to walk you home-"

"HELL NO- ahem, I mean, that won't be necessary, Hanako-chan. If anyone wants to mess with me, I'll make sure they regret it," she emphasized with a raised, white-knuckled fist.

Knowing Tae's violent nature was the reason their manager turned to her when it came to out of controls guests, Hanako seemed to accept her reassurance, though with a grain of salt.

"Well, my shift is over. Be careful out there, Tae-chan."

"You too, Hanako-chan."

Otae watched as Hanako walked out of the club, sparing her one last worried glance before she went out the door. Oryou-chan also stopped by, offering to wait for her shift to end so her boyfriend could walk them both home, but she politely declined.

After all, she'd dealt with these sorts before. These guys were nothing that a hard uppercut to the jaw or powerful knee to the balls couldn't fix. And Otae Shimura was very good at fixing men this way. Could turn any black hearted man straight as an arrow with a little tough love, courtesy of her fists.

Speaking of discipline, why _had_ Kondo given up so easily earlier? By now, she was normally shoving his head beneath the table with her foot and although it spared her sandals from having to come in contact with, no doubt, flea infested fur, Otae found it a bit odd that she only had to kick him once before the Commander made some excuse and quickly vanished down the street.

_Maybe he's finally getting the hint?_

At that thought, something uncomfortable brustled within her, enough that the brunette quickly set her drink down with a rude _clank_ and sat up.

_Must be the sake..._

The woman excused her misgivings as a result of alcohol before she realized the time.

Midnight. Her shift was over.

* * *

They say the mind plays tricks with you in the dark, and after listening to her co-workers gossip about the so-called criminal on the loose, Otae couldn't help some of the jitters she felt as she walked home. As if her body was on high alert, the brunette looked around often, approached corners warily, and might've flinched a bit when a cat jumped off of a garbage can.

"Get a hold of yourself," she scolded inwardly, clutching her purse to her chest as she practically made a mad dash to the dojo.

By the time she got home, she had to lean against the entranceway until her hammering heart behaved itself. It was silly really. She beat up grown men all the time - so why was she so on edge?

Frustrated, the woman stomped her way inside, turned on all the lights and sought out her beloved Bargain Dash for comfort. She casually passed her brother's room, under the guise that she was just checking up on him, to find that the room was empty. He was most likely staying with Gin-san for the night.

"I'll be fine," she sung to herself, finishing the last of her ice cream with a pleased hum as she walked to her bedroom.

She was pretty convinced that all was well when she slipped into her covers for the night, making a mental note about a sale on pork cutlets later today and feeling herself sink comfortably into slumber when a sound outside tore her from any false sense of safety.

Her body jolted upright, ears straining to listen as she reached for the _naginata_ that she kept at her bedside.

After a few seconds of painful silence, the brunette eased her tensed muscles and forced herself back into the covers.

_Just a squirrel, Tae, or a-_

And then she heard it again. This time, she was pissed.

"ORAAAAA!"

She screeched outside, the sliding door thrown open and her _naginata_ jabbing forward at anyone who dared to ruin her beauty sleep.

"Shinpachi?", she tried, expecting her brother to turn down the street any moment, but there was nothing.

As if she'd gone mad, she laughed to herself, "Hah, I can't believe I'm overreacting - it's not like it's a g- ahem, a ghost or anything-"

The crashing sound to her left made her heart leap out of her chest and she unintentionally yelled in a threatening sing song pitch, "Kondo-san, you shouldn't toy with a woman's heart like this, I may have to make you pay for scaring an innocent woman with your foraging amongst the bushes like the animal you are."

Nothing.

"I know you're under my porch or on the roof damn it, I swear if you don't show yourself now, I'm going to-"

_CRASH!_

_CRACK!_

The rodent jumped out from the alleyway, revealing the pack of glass bottles that had just been shattered and almost resulted in putting her into cardiac arrest. After her heart had stopped knocking against her ribs, and her breathing winded down, satisfied that the source of her overactive imagination was nothing more than critters next to the house, the woman loosened the tight vice grip she had on her weapon.

From the corner of her eye, there was a police car slowly crawling up the street, making a turn in front of her dojo before vanishing from view.

Her face was still on fire when it dawned upon her that in her moment of panicked frenzy and desperation, she called out to the gorilla stalker.

"Gorillas make better guards than dogs, is all," she reasoned, "It was only a rat," she said out loud in a voice that was shakier than she expected.

It was then that she'd noticed her _naginata_ had broken in two, most likely a result from when the final crash happened and her knee went jerking up in instinct.

"Damn it..."

* * *

"You'll be fine, Tae-san," Gintoki swatted her away, not even sparing a glance as he buried his unsympathetic face into the latest JUMP issue and reclined back into the couch.

"I can set some sticky traps around the house later," Shinpachi offered as he rubbed furiously at the _Yorozuya's_ dirty windows.

"Why don't you just change your shift back?", Kagura asked, making a very good point as she talked with her mouth full of rice fresh from the cooker.

Otae sighed heavily, "I already put in for the shift change, I can't change it again for another week or so. And I haven't slept in three days."

"HAH!", Gintoki quipped, "YOU, one of the great and awesome four devas is afraid of a mouse? Believe me when I say rodents everywhere take one look at you and see GodzillaaAAAAH-"

Otae released his ear when that side of his face started to turn blue and then shoved him for good measure.

"I'm serious though, I've heard stories about this criminal, preying on unsuspecting and beautiful young women-"

Gintoki was about to sass her again, but she palmed him in the forehead hard enough to send the entire couch falling backwards. Kagura and Shinpachi paid no mind, used to witnessing the abuse Ane-go put their free-loading samurai through.

"Shin-chan, are you coming home tonight," she directed her attention to her brother who appeared to hesitate before lending her an apologetic look.

"Sorry, Nee-san, I'll be busy for a while."

Sensing something amiss, she questioned, "Eeeeeh? Busy, huh? Busy with what?"

"W-well, umm, you see-"

"We're ALL busy," Gintoki interrupted, obviously in cahoots. One look at the Yato girl shamelessly stuffing her face confirmed it.

"Yeah biiffee," she spat with her mouth full again, and gulped down her food quickly to flash one of those mischievous grins from ear to ear. When she looked at Gintoki and her brother, they all had that same stupid smile plastered on them.

"Oh my, I guess I'll have to walk home alone again tonight - just a helpless victim waiting to happen."

"Hah! It's the criminal that's gonna be the helpless victim, we need to find his sorry ass and warn him to stay away from yoouuUUU-"

She seized the perm head by the ear again, mercilessly yanking until she was satisfied and got up abruptly, feeling a bit irritated.

Otae stomped toward the door and before she left, she threw one last suspicious glare at the trio. When it was obvious that there was no winning, she smiled sweetly.

"It's been a while, hasn't it, Gin-san? I think next time I visit, I'll bring over my special omelets for all of us to enjoy."

"NOOOO, PLEASE ANYTHING, BUT THAT-"

She was about to slam the door behind her when she heard Gintoki's voice call out to her once more.

"Don't worry, you've already got yourself a guardian angel - or animal, whatever. It'll scare away the things that go bump in the night."

The woman hadn't let the meaning of his words sink in before she bitterly closed the door.

"I'll be fine, he says," the brunette felt herself get fired up, "Damn right, I'll be fine. Let some asshole try it - I'll rip him a new one!"

* * *

It was strange. Really, really strange.

Her walk to work was without incident. Meaning no gorillas jumping out of watermelon piles with declarations of everlasting love and devotion. No chance for her to vent out her frustrations from that damn lazy samurai not handling her maiden heart delicately with boxing practice on her favorite punching bag. Not even the opportunity to wipe her dirty sandals on the shaggy rug that was the Commander's skull.

Where _was _that stalker?

"Not that I care," she shrugged, pretending that she didn't see oncoming police car that dashed across her vision in a hurry, down the road in the opposite direction.

"I hear they've got a lead," a passerby whispered to a companion as she turned a corner. Another car wailing shortly behind the first one thundered down the street and she felt her heart give one triumphant and painful hop when it zipped right past her again.

It took a moment for her to notice that her breathlessness was from her own hand, clutching with white fingers at her chest, wringing with what? Worry? Concern?

"What?" Otae questioned herself, unmoving from her spot on the pavement, her thoughts whirling. "I'm not thinking about that damn monkey- hell, Edo would be better off without these strays! Hell, if Smiling Animal Killers doesn't get 'im, maybe this guy will take care of the job for me."

The woman marched through the doors of Snack Smile with purpose. Determination radiated from her in almost physical purple miasma form, causing all the other girls to gain a burst of energy from it and they made their night a successful one.

Otae was about done counting the extra she made from tips before Oryou-chan made a seemingly innocent remark.

"Wow, you made a lot tonight, Tae-chan, almost as much as you'd make when that Commander guy asks for you-"

"Commander? Oh my, Oryou-chan, I don't know of any Commanders. Are you, by chance, mistaking that hairy primate that gives me animal allergies as someone that important?"

Her friend laughed lightly, "Well I'm not sure about important, but I saw him the other night, Tae-chan. In fact, I was surprised I recognized him, you know, without your nail marks on his face."

Otae lost count of her tips and finally looked at her co-worker. Blinking, she hesitated a moment before she convinced herself she was just trying to make conversation here.

"The other night? Honestly, I don't understand why the zoos allow their animals to escape so often."

Disregarding the woman's obvious venom for the subject of their chitchat, her friend pursued her story.

"My boyfriend and I noticed him with a few other officers on the way home, there were a few patrol cars parked together with their siren lights on, but the sound off. There was also an ambulance."

"Oh? Did something happen?"

"I don't know, but he looked mighty serious, looks like this assaulter is giving them a real hassle..."

The brunette bit back any more sarcasm she had, and seemed to take her friend's words to heart. Feeling a bit unsettled, she got up abruptly and turned in the direction of their locker rooms.

"I'm going to put my money away, will you still be here when I return, Oryou-chan?"

When her friend's face brightened and she traced her line of vision to the entrance where a man walked in and waved, she came to the conclusion that the man was her friend's boyfriend, and she'd be long gone when she came back out.

"Only ten," she grumbled to herself as she casually passed by a clock. For some odd reason, after her friend left, her nerves were frayed. Otae couldn't quite feel settled, even with a splash of water on her face. She called _Yorozuya _hoping to haggle Shin-chan into coming home, but the phone rang long and ominously. No one picked up.

The brunette tried to ignore any sirens coming from outside and by the time her shift was over - the night was completely silent.

It was the strangest thing...

The streets were desolate at this time, with the warnings of criminals on the news, everyone hurried on home, took taxis, or travelled with a companion.

Otae entertained the thought of calling Kyu-chan, knowing that it'd only be minutes before the heiress would no doubt heed her summons and arrive via the fastest means possible - even if the fastest means were on the back of her servant, Toujou Ayumu, who'd gallop over here on his hands and knees. But she didn't think it was appropriate to call at this hour. Dialing a cab was out of the question, as calling one every night would add up, and the lines were busy with every late worker trying to get home.

And that damn trio of completely incompetent odd jobbers were out doing who knows what.

"Useless!", she thought, "But I don't need them!"

The brunette was about halfway home when she turned the corner, and panic seized her. Frozen in place and adrenaline coursing through her veins, Otae could feel eyes on her, weighing on her back. She knew that if she turned, the presence would slip back, but only temporarily. No. If she wanted to catch him, she had to convince the bastard that he could one up her first. Attack when he least suspected it.

Her pace quickened, and the woman slipped her hand casually into her purse to reach for the small fruit knife she'd taken from home.

"Someone is going to be castrated for messing with pretty helpless ladies at night," she promised, cautious as she walked, waiting for any signs of trouble.

She'd been straining her ears so hard that her head began to ring. Her heart was louder than anything else she could make out. And by the time she'd reached the next corner, Otae had to lean against a telephone poll to calm herself.

"It's just another rat," she continued, "Except a really large one that I'm gonna fillet once I get my hands on-"

A loud boom from an alleyway startled her, like a strong kick against a large metal garbage can. The woman broke into a run before even realizing she was moving.

And Tae Shimura was moving all right. Moving so fast that when she went face first into something large and solid, and that large and solid something covered her mouth with a smothering hand, her arms violently flailed, searching for a face to slice when a familiar voice rumbled in her ear.

"Otae-san, it's me. Quiet."

_Kondo-san?_

His grip on her loosened, and he'd dragged them both into a crook of space between closed shops, but it was most definitely the Commander of the _Shinsengumi_. Heavy hands were protectively weighing on her shoulders, and she was about to protest their proximity by yanking his goatee with all her might since there wasn't that much space to do more damage when the officer regarded her with a solemn look.

"Stay here," he said so sternly, she was stunned into obedience.

She studied Kondo's abnormally serious expression as he focused on a spot down the street. And when another loud boom sounded, the man sprinted forward, the sound of his katana being drawn.

Another person had just rounded the corner when Kondo tackled him to the ground.

_That's the guy! That bastard was following me!_

Otae knew, feeling suddenly enraged that she'd managed to get spooked by this idiot so easily. For crossing the great Otae, he had to pay...

A scuffle ensued, punches thrown, the sound of a knife being stomped from the culprit's hand and the struggle appeared to take forever in spite of it being seconds.

Impatience surged through her, and before she could resist, she ran out to "assist".

Before Kondo could yell at her to stay back, Otae surprised him.

"Homerun, bastard!," she war cried as she lifted her kimono and baseball slid at mach speed toward the culprit's face on the ground. The man's scream was cut short when her foot crashed into his face with a crack that she felt vibrate up her leg and her body crunched to a harsh stop.

Kondo was still staring at her in shock, kneeling on the ground and blinking wildly at the aftermath of Otae's revenge.

"..."

"..."

"O-Otae-san, I think you killed him."

"What? No, it's just a head ache, Kondo-san, criminals get them all the time, ohohoho, they suddenly hurt and then fall to the floor-"

The man pulled himself to his feet, sheathed his sword, and then lit up as if he had an epiphany of sorts.

"Ah, my sweet Otae-san would never assault people, you're right, he fell on his own!"

"Right? I knew you'd see it my way."

It took a moment for the Commander to cuff the apprehended criminal, who was luckily not dead, but perhaps paralyzed for life no thanks to the Queen of Kabuki. After dusting his pants once again, she hadn't realized she was still lying on the ground until the officer leaned in to offer a helping hand.

Normally, she would brashly refuse his gesture by slapping his hand away, but it was a weird night already, and so she accepted his kindness.

His hand covered hers entirely, lifting her with an ease that caused Otae to briefly recall the way her co-workers referred to this man that peeked up from the holes in her floorboards.

With all his quirks, and in spite of his stalking, he indeed was the Commander of the _Shinsengumi_.

Something cackled, causing Otae to jerk involuntarily out of his grasp. Kondo was about to say something when he reached across his belt to a walkie talkie.

"All units within range, please report."

A drawl and unmotivated tone fizzed through the device and sounded oddly familiar. Perhaps his third Captain that Kagura-chan was always destroying public property with?

"Sougo-kun, what's your 20? I've got a 240 here on 1-22-14 Jinan. Looks like we've finally got him, over."

"Driving by the Snack Smile with Yamazaki and on route to you, over and out."

It was only a minute or so before red lights brightened the dark streets in waves, the police car grinding to a halt.

As the two men exited the car, the brunette watched the gorilla jog over and seemingly summarize his version of what happened, which likely didn't include his lovely Tae Shimura re-modeling the assaulter's face with her sandal.

It was while observing the unconscious sap on the floor that a thought had stricken her.

"Kondo-san, would you mind telling me what were you doing here so conveniently?"

She blurted out when the Commander returned before he could get a word in.

"I- wha-"

"I said, what were you doing there? In that spot? Were you there by coincidence or you just happened to be following me around like you always do you damned-"

"No no no, Otae-chan, I swear, I was really on patrol. I've been keeping an eye on you, but I promise, I haven't been stalking you- err well, I was protecting you..."

"Keeping an eye on me?"

_Don't worry, you've already got yourself a guardian angel - or animal, whatever._

Suddenly the _Yorozuya's_ easy decision to opt out of helping her made sense, and the pieces snapped into place.

"I mean, when I was able to, but I've been busy trying to catch this jerk!"

He pointed at the man that the other officers appeared to be carelessly dragging into their police car. The sandy haired one was sporting quite a sadistic grin on his face that made Otae instantly pity the bastard when he woke up from whatever dream she'd put him into.

"But I did it for you, Otae-san! When I was working, I sent a car to pass your house from time to time, ya know, since I couldn't watch you from the ceiling like I normally do..."

"It's true, Nee-san," this "Sougo-kun" piped in, about to slam the door closed when Otae noticed the criminal's foot was still hanging out.

"Hmm, that's funny, seems like my door won't close right, that's what happens when we don't keep our vehicles maintained-"

"SOUGO-KUN, HIS LEG! THAT'S HIS LEG!"

Kondo shrieked, causing his subordinate to shrug and kick the felon's leg in that was already likely in two pieces.

"Oops. Anyway, Nee-san, the Commander was beside himself with worry. He practically cried until Hijikata-san let us waste a resource just to send a car patrolling your area every time-"

"NOTHING IS EVER WASTED ON MY OTAE-SAN!"

The gorilla protested, but the sadistic officer paid no mind. Shrugging again, the younger Captain nodded to her knowingly before swooping into his car and driving off.

"Kondo-san..."

"Y-yes?"

The woman rushed up to him, and right away, he shrunk, raising his arms and waiting for when she'd strike. Knuckles in the face, a sharp finger jab to his side, or maybe a powerful heel stomp on his toes - he was expecting it at any moment.

What he wasn't expecting, was nothing at all. So when nothing came, he warily dropped his guard, and blinked stupidly at the brunette he was hopelessly smitten with.

"You're not gonna hit me?"

"Were you worried about me, Kondo-san?"

The man scratched the back of his head, chuckling sheepishly, "Of course, Otae-san. It's my job to-"

"To what?", she challenged.

There was a moment of hesitation before Kondo Isao straightened, puffed his chest out, and dared to answer.

"It's my duty to protect you, I didn't rest until I caught him and made sure you were safe."

"..."

"Otae-san?"

If the officer felt lucky that she hadn't smacked him yet, then his night was full of miracles for the woman used his arm to push herself up, and pressed a meaningful kiss on his cheek.

Yanking his lapels so that he was level with her, her lips stunned him into a frozen stupor and even after she broke away, mumbling something about needing to take an allergy pill when she returned home, the Commander was still bent over crooked in that position - afraid to move in inch lest he ruin this moment of theirs.

It had gotten so quiet, Kondo had wondered if her kiss had left him deaf in one ear when she suddenly whispered so low, he almost didn't catch it.

"Take me home, Kondo-san."

"Otae-san?"

The woman refused to show her face, inexplicably red as a beet, and her ears hot.

"I said," she coughed, "Walk me home. There's been rats by the house, you see, so I just need you to scare them off with your gorilla roar."

As was the norm, Kondo wasn't offended at all, and rushed to her side to gallantly offer a powerful arm for her to slip hers through. Otae looped herself into his arm and walked, threatening that if he said or did anything funny on the way, that she had a fruit knife in her purse that she'd been itching to use.

The ten minute trek felt longer than she'd ever remembered, and the streets were still just as dark as when they started to spook her many nights ago. The only difference this time, whether she'd admit it or not, was that she no longer felt afraid. The Commander hadn't said a word, and the silence lulled Otae to sleepily rest her head against him as they walked.

They continued this pattern whenever Kondo-san was off duty - when there were no felons to pursue, the Commander happily walked his Otae-san home after her midnight shift ended.

And Otae never switched her shifts back. After all, gorillas were scarier than anything else that went bump in the night.

* * *

**A/N: KonTae fluff! Random, I know. I don't feel like I have the same touch with them as I do OkiKagu, but I had to tend to this muse before it left me. KonTae deserves more love.**

**10-20 as in "What's your 20?" is police code for what's your location.**

**240 refers to an assault.**

**Also "Things that go bump in the night" is a popular saying referring to supernatural or other scary things at night. There's history and stuff, feel free to google.**

**Also, does Otae refer to Gintoki as Gin-san? I have this habit of having everyone call him "Gin-chan". I used san to be on the safe side...**


End file.
